‘The Happening’: The Abridged Screeplay

Ever heard of The Editing Room?  No?  Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter.  Which burns calories.  So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough.  Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side.  Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.

For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws.  Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.

So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening.  Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.

Here’s how things begin:

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – PARK

People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.

BORING CHARACTER 1

That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.

BORING CHARACTER 2

Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …

BORING CHARACTER 1

Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!

They both KILL THEMSELVES.

EVERYONE ELSE

An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!

EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.

INT. PHILADELPHIA – CLASSROOM

MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.

You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.

‘The Happening’ is “the best B movie you will ever see.”

I’ve really tried to stay a fan and a defender of M. Night Shyamalan, even after he cast himself as the most important writer in the world.  But now, I kind of hate him.  And it’s not because he’s made a really, really bad movie.  But it’s because he’s egotistical enough to think that he’s made the gawddang Citizen Kane of B-movies.

From his self-fellating interview with CNN:

Shyamalan: No. 1, it’s a B movie. This is the best B movie you will ever see, that’s it. That’s what this is. If there’s other things that stick to your ribs as you walk out, that’s great, but it’s supposed to be, you know, zombies eating flesh.

CNN: So when you say B, you don’t mean honeybee?

Shyamalan: No, I meant like, you know, zombies and killer things running around.

M. Night Shyamalan is the biggest douchebag you will ever see, that’s it.

And if only this movie were anything like a zombie movie.  Slow-moving, flesh eating, undead corpses are a lot scarier and are going to make me want run a lot faster than, uh… the wind.  “Oh my gah, the wind is blowing, run inside!” (Note: this is an actual scene from The Happening.)  Outrun the wind?!  Are you kidding?  Why don’t we just somersault over raindrops while we’re at it?

Also, CNN, were you serious about that honeybee comment?  If so, then you’re an idiot and should never even be able to mention the word “movie” in conversation again.  Then again, a film about honeybees would probably be better than The HappeningIn fact

Wha’happened?! (Or: My 2nd attempt to review ‘The Happening’)

The Happening (2008)

I’m really going to try to be nice about this (at least, nicer than I was on my first attempt).

I’m not sure what happened to the promising young director who brought us The Sixth Sense a few years ago, but surely this atrocity wasn’t really directed by the same guy.

I mean, I’d heard that The Happening was bad, but I didn’t expect this. I’ve always been a fan of M. Night. I mean, I even liked The Lady in the Water, a movie that was pretty much universally hated. So, I thought, maybe when I saw the also-universally-hated The Happening, I’d like it too!

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My review of ‘The Happening.’

Fuck this movie.