Another Corny Remake. (Updated with more Awesome!)

Get it? Corny. You see, because this story’s about a remake of Children of the Corn! Man, I’m funny.

So yeah. That’s pretty much all of the significant news on the subject. They’re remaking Children of the Corn and my feelings are… apathetic.

I mean, it’s Children of the Corn, so who cares? The original is an okay horror movie, but I don’t think it’s topping anyone’s favorite movies lists. Unless there’s a guy out there who’s only seen two movies: Children of the Corn and Meet the Spartans.

So whatever. Remake it. I don’t care. I’m tired of getting pissed over remakes. Besides, this is a movie that might even benefit from being remade. It’s not like it’s a remake ofCreature from the Black Lagoon or something. And hopefully, this’ll wash the taste of all 18 of the Children of the Corn sequels out of my mouth*.

And Bloody-D says that a guy named Donald P. Borchers is going to be behind the lens. His IMDb shows that he’s mostly a producer and has been one of the guys behind The Beastmaster (yay!) and, well, Children of the Corn. He’s also directed two movies that I’ve never heard of. Let the apathy continue…

LIFE-CHANGING UPDATE: This is being made as a Sci-Fi Channel premiere.  Which means that, most likely, I’ll forget that it exists and will never, ever watch it.

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I fell asleep during the ‘Death Race’ trailer.

For those that ain’t in the know like yours truly, there’s a remake of Roger Corman’s Death Race 2000 coming out this year from cinematic maestro Paul W.S. Anderson (Alien vs. Predator, Resident Evil) called simply… Death Race.  I guess tacking a “2000” on the end of something to make it sound cooler is just so last year.

Anyways, Death Race looks like pretty much every other P.W.S. Anderson movie: Like it’s going to be terrible, but not terrible enough to offend me as a human being and want to claw my eyeballs out with a spork.  (That’s Uwe Boll’s job*.)

I might see it just because Jason Statham’s in it and I have a man crush on him.  It also helps that Ian McShane is hanging out in front of the cameras, though it looks like he’s kind of slumming it, doesn’t it?  And let’s not get started on Joan Allen.  She must be in debt to the mob or something.  The mob of SUCK.  Zing!

If you don’t like the crappy YouTube quality of the clip above, you can watch it over at Yahoo! Movies in whatever crappy looking format they’re using over in that neck of the woods.

For kicks, a much better trailer after the jump.

[Both trailers via the always awesome Gnolad]

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Aja’s ‘Mirrors’ gets a teaser trailer…

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…and it gets a reaction from me in the form of “Meh.” It doesn’t even look like an Alexandre Aja movie. Say what you will about Haute Tension or The Hills Have Eyes. Both of those flicks have their flaws, but at least they’ve got a great visual flourish. This one doesn’t have that grittiness to it. But then, we don’t see a whole lot in this trailer.

But we DO get to see Jack Bauer become, apparently, Sloth from The Goonies.

Am I right?

I Spit On Your Remake.

According to ShockTillYouDrop, somebody in Hollywood is making a remake of another horror movie. Weird, huh?!

This time, it’s Meir Zarchi’s I Spit On Your Grave. Which, okay, isn’t technically a horror flick, it’s a revenge flick, but for some reason the two always get grouped together. What’s up with that anyway?

In case you didn’t know…

The film follows Jennifer, a writer who is working on a new novel and needs to get out of the city to finish it. She hires a riverside apartment in upstate New York to finish her novel, attracting the attention of a number of rowdy male locals. They catch Jenifer one day and strip her naked for the village idiot (Matthew) and rape her. Jennifer is later attacked and raped a further two times by the four degenerates, and her novel is also destroyed. But Jennifer slowly recovers and in her now-twisted, psychotic mind, she then begins to seek revenge on the four men who raped her.

Basically, it’s a movie about rape, novel-destroying, and revenge that involved wiener-cutting. And it’s kind of awesome. I honestly can’t imagine why anyone would want to remake the movie. Part of its charm (though I’m not sure that the word “charm” can be applied to a movie with an extended rape sequence) is its low-budget, very 70s, very exploitation-type feel to it. To see it cleaned up using “today’s latest technology!” would kind of ruin the effect of the film.

Also — and I have the data to back this up — nine out of ten dentists agree that rape is bad and people don’t like watching it on film. So while STYD’s article states that a theatrical release is being considered for the remake, I can’t imagine it getting a wide, mainstream release unless things are significantly altered from the original.

So do yourself a favor and go pick up Elite Entertainment’s great Millennium Edition DVD of the film and see what all the fuss is about. And if you need further prodding, here’s bgutta, live from the ShockTillYouDrop.com comments section:

the first film was okay and a remake well….. WHY IN THE HELL IS HOOLYWOOD REMAKEING OLD **** i think people need to come up with new **** i dont think anyone saw the first one but me the three other people that saw it with me and the people who made it need i say more, i think not but if you have nothing else to do watch the original and make your own jugdement its not all that great and its not all that and a bag of chips.

How can you argue with that, really?

* * * * *

UPDATE: My very favorite film news site, CHUD.com and they’re freshly re-animated Creature Corner reported this same thing earlier this afternoon. What I’d like to point out is that they also called their post “I Spit On Your Remake.” Now, I’d never think that CHUD was plagiarizing my oh-so-clever title since this blog has a readership of roughly 3.5 and I doubt that Russ Fischer is one of those. And, of course, I published my article late last night, so I didn’t copy from them either. What this means is that we’re both suffering from very uncreative post titles. I’m going to go Google “I Spit On Your Remake” and see how many hits I get regarding this same subject.

Yep, a lot.

Inside Halloween 2.

The title to this post is going to seem a lot cleverer here in a minute after you’ve read what I have to say below.

You know that unwanted and unwarranted Halloween remake that Rob Zombie made last year that everyone hated? Well, sorry haters, but it made a shit ton of money. And since those Weinstein boys were involved, we’ve got a sequel coming our way. Because apparently their swimming pool full of money was getting low and they need a sure-fire thing to fill it up again.

And who better than apparent gorehounds Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, co-directors of the awesome French horror flick, Inside? Well, according to SchockTilYouDrop.com, that’s what’s happening. I kind of hate the idea that these guys are having to jump on the remake bandwagon like every other successful foreign filmmaker, but they’ve gotta do what they’ve gotta do. The duo were previously attached to Weinstein’s upcoming Hellraiser remake and, as they explain in the new issue of Rue Morgue Magazine in a great interview, there’s really no market for horror in France, so if they want to continue to get money to work in the genre, they’ve gotta come Stateside. And do whatever Bob and Harvey want them to, I guess.

Here’s a shocker: I’m in the minority in that I actually liked Rob Zombie’s Halloween. I didn’t love it and I still think that it was completely unnecessary, but for what it is, I enjoyed it. And since it did make so much money, it was inevitable that a sequel would be in the works. So I’m just glad that they got someone who seems to have some talent to work on the sequel, instead of just churning one out by a talentless hack (keep in mind that I’m basing this only on viewing Inside; for all I know, these guys could be one-trick ponies, but reading their interview in Rue Morgue makes me think that these guys at least have an appreciation for the genre).