‘Hellboy 2’ is better than everything.

It’s currently 3:15 am. I have to be at work (for a double shift) at 11:00am. Realistically, I should be in bed right now, catching up on some much-needed beauty sleep.

I should have come home after work tonight and gone to sleep at a responsible time. But I just couldn’t wait.

I should wait until tomorrow night and just write a full review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army. But, by then, you will have probably already seen the movie yourself and drawn your own conclusions.

But I can’t sleep. Not without getting a few thoughts on this movie out in to the world. I can’t stop thinking about the movie. I want to live in Hellboy’s world. I want to shop in the troll market.

Hellboy 2 is an absolutely wonderful movie with more imagination than any other film you’ve seen this year. It’s breathtaking in its wonder and its magic. Guillermo del Toro is a genius with a mind that works unlike anyone else’s. And in Hellboy 2, his mind is splattered across the screen in a way that he hasn’t been able to accomplish before, for a variety of reasons.

I may one day try to write that full review that I mentioned (if I can put my love for this movie into words other than saying “I want to make love to this movie”). But until then, know this: When you see this movie — and you should, you need to — you will fall in love with it. If you don’t, then you’ve forgotten what wonder is.

Now, I’m going to bed with visions of Tooth Fairies dancing in my head.

Trailer for Pakistani horror flick ‘Hell’s Ground’

I just read about this flick yesterday in the latest issue of Rue Morgue Magazine and lo and behold, today I find the trailer in my Google Reader (naturally, at the Rue Morgue blog, Abattoir). This, apparently, is like the first gore movie to come out of our friends in Pakistan.

The movie is being screened at The Bloor tonight at 9:30. Unfortunately, The Bloor is in Canada. It’s times like this that I wish I was a Canuck. And also when I can’t go to the doctor to treat a massive head wound brought on by zombie attacks because I don’t have health insurance (Medicare, of course, doesn’t cover zombie attacks). Thanks, America!

Luckily, it’s going to be released on DVD next week.

Pakistan s first splatter flick in the tradition of Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre delivers spine-tingling thrills when an attractive group of teens pile into a van that runs out of gas in the middle of a dark mysterious forest. Their ghoulish nightmare begins when rotting fresh-eating zombies and a decapitated head-toting screaming banshee-like hitchhiker begin to terrorize them at every turn. But when a mysterious figure dressed in a blood-drenched burqa appears sporting a medieval weapon dripping in gore even the teens prayers won t save them from a night of savage demented horror.

Good looking teens run out of gas in the middle of nowhere? I’d make a crack about how unoriginal that sounds, but the synopsis saved itself with “blood-drenched burqa.” I’m all in.

Greensploitation Classic: Frankenheimer’s ‘Prophecy’

Prophecy (1979)

Somebody should’ve shown Prophecy to M. Night Shyamalan. This is how you do environmental horror, sir. Actually, I’m going to start referring to this kind of film as “Greensploitation.” I’ve got a feeling we’ll be seeing more of these in the near future what with how enviro-conscious everyone is these days.

Ah, but Prophecy was made in 1979 yet still manages to be…erm… topical? Sort of. I don’t know that mercury poisoning was ever a huge issue in New England, but since in 1979, I was… not alive… I can’t say for sure.

I mean, yeah, ingesting mercury is really bad for you, but I don’t think it causes the kind of genetic mutation that this movie depicts (which, basically, is ManBearPig).

Anyways, for those of you who don’t know, Prophecy (no, not the Christopher Walken one; stop asking me that) spins the tale of a doctor and his cellist wife who are asked to do something in the woods involving a logging company and the Indians who are protesting having their trees chopped down. I’m not sure what because I wasn’t listening. Oh, but why send a doctor to do this? Because he’s good with people. Forget the fact that he’s got no experience in environmental science or anything like that (though he inexplicably knows a whole lot about nature-type things, more so as the film moves along). Turns out that something in the water is causing craziness to happen, which the doc is first tipped off to when he sees a duck get eaten by a fish. Which is, ya know, backwards.

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