‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’ poster is 95% badass.

We haven’t heard much about Rob Zombie’s Tyrannosaurus Rex (I keep forgetting how to spell that; 11-year-old me would be ashamed) in a while, but when Zombie released the awesome promo poster on his MySpace a couple of days ago, everyone started talking about the movie again. And nobody really knows anything about the movie (except, I assume, Zombie).

Zombie’s been keeping very hush-hush on this one. Probably because he was very open about his involvement with Halloween and, well, everyone hated it. But maybe it’s just because nothing’s really happened with the movie yet. But that don’t stop us internet nerds from speculating!

From QuietEarth:

[I]t’s about a wrestler named Tyrannosaurus Rex who is on the run from a biker gang from hell. The idea for the film is loosely based on the comic book Zombie did with Steve Niles (30 Days of Night) entitled THE NAIL.” Here’s the synopsis for the comic Hunted in one of the most desolate regions of America, preyed upon by an evil that does not sleep, Rex Hauser is The Nail – and it’s time he took a stand. A semi-pro wrestler, Hauser has been touring the country performing at small-time arenas until the fateful night he and his family run afoul of a bloodthirsty gang of Satanic bikers stalking the North Dakota Badlands. Now he’s a lone man fighting for the survival of his loved ones in a no-holds-barred standoff against the forces of Hell itself! The Nail is a relentless, unflinching portrait of the heart of darkness, and what one man will sacrifice to hold it at bay.

That sounds pretty badass, so I hope it’s true. BUT IS IT?!

Here’s Steve Niles himself on the matter (via Bloody-Disgusting):

“I’ve been getting a lot of calls and mail about Rob Zombie’s new project, Tyrannosaurus Rex,” NIles writes on his blog. “People seem to be under the impression that Rob is doing The Nail and cutting me out. This is not true. Not only is T-Rex a different story, but also Rob is 100% owner of The Nail and is welcome to cherry pick anything he wants. It’s his concept. I was just along for the ride.”

So it’s not The Nail but it might be The Nail? I dunno. I’ll still do some movie nerd speulatin’ of my own and go ahead and cast those three peoples on the poster! Ready?!

I’m really just sort of pulling these out of left field, ya know?  Especially that chick on the right.


Final Girl Film Club: Tobe Hooper’s ‘Lifeforce’.

Lifeforce (1985)

What the hell was that?

Okay, I’ve got to admit it. Before Lifeforce was chosen as the latest (and my first) entry in the Final Girl Film Club, I really didn’t know anything about it. I mean, yeah, I’d heard it mentioned in passing, but I pretty much thought that it was considered just another of Tobe Hooper’s failed directorial efforts (read: Everything that’s not Leatherface- or Spielberg-related). Oh, but it’s so much more! We’ve got boobies, space travel, giant bat creatures, boobies, zombies, Patrick Stewart, space vampires, and boobies! Really, what more could you ask for in a movie?

Oh. A coherent plot? Well, erm…

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Trailer for Pakistani horror flick ‘Hell’s Ground’

I just read about this flick yesterday in the latest issue of Rue Morgue Magazine and lo and behold, today I find the trailer in my Google Reader (naturally, at the Rue Morgue blog, Abattoir). This, apparently, is like the first gore movie to come out of our friends in Pakistan.

The movie is being screened at The Bloor tonight at 9:30. Unfortunately, The Bloor is in Canada. It’s times like this that I wish I was a Canuck. And also when I can’t go to the doctor to treat a massive head wound brought on by zombie attacks because I don’t have health insurance (Medicare, of course, doesn’t cover zombie attacks). Thanks, America!

Luckily, it’s going to be released on DVD next week.

Pakistan s first splatter flick in the tradition of Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre delivers spine-tingling thrills when an attractive group of teens pile into a van that runs out of gas in the middle of a dark mysterious forest. Their ghoulish nightmare begins when rotting fresh-eating zombies and a decapitated head-toting screaming banshee-like hitchhiker begin to terrorize them at every turn. But when a mysterious figure dressed in a blood-drenched burqa appears sporting a medieval weapon dripping in gore even the teens prayers won t save them from a night of savage demented horror.

Good looking teens run out of gas in the middle of nowhere? I’d make a crack about how unoriginal that sounds, but the synopsis saved itself with “blood-drenched burqa.” I’m all in.

Greensploitation Classic: Frankenheimer’s ‘Prophecy’

Prophecy (1979)

Somebody should’ve shown Prophecy to M. Night Shyamalan. This is how you do environmental horror, sir. Actually, I’m going to start referring to this kind of film as “Greensploitation.” I’ve got a feeling we’ll be seeing more of these in the near future what with how enviro-conscious everyone is these days.

Ah, but Prophecy was made in 1979 yet still manages to be…erm… topical? Sort of. I don’t know that mercury poisoning was ever a huge issue in New England, but since in 1979, I was… not alive… I can’t say for sure.

I mean, yeah, ingesting mercury is really bad for you, but I don’t think it causes the kind of genetic mutation that this movie depicts (which, basically, is ManBearPig).

Anyways, for those of you who don’t know, Prophecy (no, not the Christopher Walken one; stop asking me that) spins the tale of a doctor and his cellist wife who are asked to do something in the woods involving a logging company and the Indians who are protesting having their trees chopped down. I’m not sure what because I wasn’t listening. Oh, but why send a doctor to do this? Because he’s good with people. Forget the fact that he’s got no experience in environmental science or anything like that (though he inexplicably knows a whole lot about nature-type things, more so as the film moves along). Turns out that something in the water is causing craziness to happen, which the doc is first tipped off to when he sees a duck get eaten by a fish. Which is, ya know, backwards.

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‘The Happening’ is “the best B movie you will ever see.”

I’ve really tried to stay a fan and a defender of M. Night Shyamalan, even after he cast himself as the most important writer in the world.  But now, I kind of hate him.  And it’s not because he’s made a really, really bad movie.  But it’s because he’s egotistical enough to think that he’s made the gawddang Citizen Kane of B-movies.

From his self-fellating interview with CNN:

Shyamalan: No. 1, it’s a B movie. This is the best B movie you will ever see, that’s it. That’s what this is. If there’s other things that stick to your ribs as you walk out, that’s great, but it’s supposed to be, you know, zombies eating flesh.

CNN: So when you say B, you don’t mean honeybee?

Shyamalan: No, I meant like, you know, zombies and killer things running around.

M. Night Shyamalan is the biggest douchebag you will ever see, that’s it.

And if only this movie were anything like a zombie movie.  Slow-moving, flesh eating, undead corpses are a lot scarier and are going to make me want run a lot faster than, uh… the wind.  “Oh my gah, the wind is blowing, run inside!” (Note: this is an actual scene from The Happening.)  Outrun the wind?!  Are you kidding?  Why don’t we just somersault over raindrops while we’re at it?

Also, CNN, were you serious about that honeybee comment?  If so, then you’re an idiot and should never even be able to mention the word “movie” in conversation again.  Then again, a film about honeybees would probably be better than The HappeningIn fact

Saving the Midnight Meat Train…

…for your mom. Zing!

I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. This movie’s got enough problems without me resorting to wiener jokes. I haven’t actually seen Midnight Meat Train, but then, neither has hardly anyone else. But it looks awesome, word on the street is that it’s awesome, it’s from the brain of Clive Barker and it was directed by the guy responsible for this. And this. So naturally, I might physically die if I don’t get to see this movie. Cliver Barker feels my pain:

My Dear Friends,

As you may or may not have heard, due to certain politics, “Midnight Meat Train” is in danger of Lionsgate not giving it a wide release. The below email was brought to my attention earlier today and shows a movement, of sorts, in order to get the picture the proper support and release it deserves. I’m asking you to please help spread the word in order for all to enjoy this film. I want to passionately encourage everybody who cares about my work to use this chance to change the minds of the folks at Lionsgate. I’m excited at the prospect of a movement of people who care deeply enough to initiate a campaign such as this.

Anything any of you can do – be it emails, web postings, word of mouth, and the like – to help encourage this movement would be deeply appreciated. The film is worth the effort in my mind, and I do not want to see my work fall by the wayside.

If any of you have any further ideas, thoughts, or suggestions to help with this effort, please let me know.

Thanks, as always, for your help and support.

Much Love,

I’m going to go ahead and put that e-mail that Clive mentioned after the jump, because it’s a long one.

(That’s what she said. Two for two!)

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Wha’happened?! (Or: My 2nd attempt to review ‘The Happening’)

The Happening (2008)

I’m really going to try to be nice about this (at least, nicer than I was on my first attempt).

I’m not sure what happened to the promising young director who brought us The Sixth Sense a few years ago, but surely this atrocity wasn’t really directed by the same guy.

I mean, I’d heard that The Happening was bad, but I didn’t expect this. I’ve always been a fan of M. Night. I mean, I even liked The Lady in the Water, a movie that was pretty much universally hated. So, I thought, maybe when I saw the also-universally-hated The Happening, I’d like it too!

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