‘The Happening’: The Abridged Screeplay

Ever heard of The Editing Room?  No?  Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter.  Which burns calories.  So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough.  Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side.  Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.

For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws.  Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.

So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening.  Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.

Here’s how things begin:



People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.


That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.


Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …


Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!



An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!

EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.


MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.

You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.


Happy Father’s Day…

Arsenio vs. Jason

I really wish I’d found this in time to share it on Friday the 13th.  It seems fitting.

This video, really, is the reason YouTube was invented.

Happy Saturday the 14th!

I made it through the entire day yesterday without posting a picture of Jason Voorhees on the blog. You’re welcome.

“The Vampire”.

Reading Arbogast on Film, I learned of The Moon is a Dead World’s Vampire Blog-A-Thon.  And since Zombie vs. Shark is a relatively new blog, I figured the best way to get the ZvS name out there would be to participate is some of these more well-known horror bloggers’ blog-a-thons.

So while researching vampire films, trying to come up with something a little out-of-the-ordinary, I did a simple search of “Vampire Films” on Wikipedia.  And in reading the “history” section of the article, I came upon this information:

The earliest cinematic vampires in such films as The Vampire (1913), directed by Robert G. Vignola, were in reality ‘vamps’. These femme fatales derive from a poem called “The Vampire” (1897) by Rudyard Kipling inspired, in turn, by a painting of a female vampire by Philip Burne-Jones (also 1897).

That painting you can see at the top left-hand corner of this post, and reading this inspired me to hunt down the Kipling poem that was mentioned (and I do love that the guy responsible for The Jungle Book wrote about vampires as well) which you can find below.

This doesn’t count as my official entry into the Blood-Sucking-Blog-A-Thon, of course, since this is more copying-and-pasting than anything, but reading over that Wiki entry did give me a couple of ideas.  And while I did watch a movie yesterday, Black Sunday, that hinted at vampirism, I think it kind of abandoned the concept at about 2 minutes into the movie, so I’ll have to do something else (and don’t worry, I’ve got something in mind).

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