‘The Happening’: The Abridged Screeplay

Ever heard of The Editing Room?  No?  Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter.  Which burns calories.  So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough.  Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side.  Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.

For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws.  Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.

So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening.  Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.

Here’s how things begin:

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – PARK

People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.

BORING CHARACTER 1

That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.

BORING CHARACTER 2

Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …

BORING CHARACTER 1

Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!

They both KILL THEMSELVES.

EVERYONE ELSE

An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!

EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.

INT. PHILADELPHIA – CLASSROOM

MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.

You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.

Happy Father’s Day…

Arsenio vs. Jason

I really wish I’d found this in time to share it on Friday the 13th.  It seems fitting.

This video, really, is the reason YouTube was invented.

Happy Saturday the 14th!

I made it through the entire day yesterday without posting a picture of Jason Voorhees on the blog. You’re welcome.

“The Vampire”.

Reading Arbogast on Film, I learned of The Moon is a Dead World’s Vampire Blog-A-Thon.  And since Zombie vs. Shark is a relatively new blog, I figured the best way to get the ZvS name out there would be to participate is some of these more well-known horror bloggers’ blog-a-thons.

So while researching vampire films, trying to come up with something a little out-of-the-ordinary, I did a simple search of “Vampire Films” on Wikipedia.  And in reading the “history” section of the article, I came upon this information:

The earliest cinematic vampires in such films as The Vampire (1913), directed by Robert G. Vignola, were in reality ‘vamps’. These femme fatales derive from a poem called “The Vampire” (1897) by Rudyard Kipling inspired, in turn, by a painting of a female vampire by Philip Burne-Jones (also 1897).

That painting you can see at the top left-hand corner of this post, and reading this inspired me to hunt down the Kipling poem that was mentioned (and I do love that the guy responsible for The Jungle Book wrote about vampires as well) which you can find below.

This doesn’t count as my official entry into the Blood-Sucking-Blog-A-Thon, of course, since this is more copying-and-pasting than anything, but reading over that Wiki entry did give me a couple of ideas.  And while I did watch a movie yesterday, Black Sunday, that hinted at vampirism, I think it kind of abandoned the concept at about 2 minutes into the movie, so I’ll have to do something else (and don’t worry, I’ve got something in mind).

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