‘The Happening’: The Abridged Screeplay

Ever heard of The Editing Room?  No?  Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter.  Which burns calories.  So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough.  Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side.  Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.

For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws.  Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.

So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening.  Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.

Here’s how things begin:

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – PARK

People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.

BORING CHARACTER 1

That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.

BORING CHARACTER 2

Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …

BORING CHARACTER 1

Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!

They both KILL THEMSELVES.

EVERYONE ELSE

An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!

EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.

INT. PHILADELPHIA – CLASSROOM

MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.

You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.

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I Love ‘I Love Sarah Jane.’

Vodpod videos no longer available.Thanks to Tha Deej (once again) for pointing out this wonderful little zombie short film, I Love Sarah Jane. I can’t even find anything witty/funny to say about this (though the same could be argued about everything I write). It’s just… really, really good. Here’s the official synopsis:

Jimbo is 13. All he can think about is one girl, Sarah Jane. And no matter what stands in his way – bullies, violence, chaos, zombies – nothing is going to stop him from finding a way into her world.

Although I think I like DJ’s take on it better:

Imagine Harmony Korine’s “Gummo” set inside the world of George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” with a dash of your first schoolyard crush sprinkled on top. In a nutshell, that’s “I Love Sarah Jane”.

The One I Might Have Saved

If given the chance, what horror movie character would you save?  That’s the dilemma presented by Arbogast a couple of months back and it’s one that I’ve been thinking about ever since.  I’ve read several of the other entries that folks have contributed and I’ve been racking my brain to think of someone that I, myself, would save.  But I kept coming to the same conclusion and it just seemed so cliche, I thought.  I wanted to think of someone obscure (kind of like Arbogast’s original post), someone not so obvious, but my mind kept coming around to the same name.


That’s called foreshadowing!

Quint.

Jaws is, without a doubt, my favorite movie.  Oddly, I can’t recall the first time that I watched Jaws.  It wasn’t in the theater (the movie came out… um… a long time before I was alive), so it must’ve been on VHS at some point.  But it’s one of those movies that to this day, I can still watch and still be drawn in as if I’m seeing it for the first time.  I know exactly what’s going to happen at every moment of the film (I’ve probably seen the movie more than a dozen times), but I still sit on the edge of my seat during the Orca’s final expedition to eliminate that damn shark.

And every time, I hope that Quint is going to make it. 

Quint breezes into the movie like a breath of stinky fish air.  We don’t know anything about this guy, who he is, where he came from.  He screeches onto the screen with the sound of fingernails on a blackboard (literally) and when we first see him we think “Hey, here’s someone who might actually be able to stop all this people munching that’s been going on!”  Only later do we find out what brought Quint to where he is now, leading to one of the greatest scenes in film history (and one of the chief reasons why Quint is probably my favorite character from any movie):

How could you not want that man to live to a ripe old age?  Unfortunately, Bruce the Shark had other plans for Quint.

But at least he went down like a man.  He went down fighting mano y mano with a big fuckin’ shark.  I mean, c’mon, hewas still fighting the shark, even as his legs were somewhere in the shark’s esophagus (do sharks have those?)!  And really, I don’t think he’d have had it any other way.  But man, do I wish he’d lasted just a little bit longer… 

At least his appearance could’ve made the sequels a little more watchable.

‘Barackula: The Musical’

I guess this is some sort of new internet sensation that I was somehow unaware of until DJ pointed it out to me.  Where have I been to have missed something as awesome as this.  Not that you’ll need anymore convincing to watch it (I’m sure I had you at “Barackula: The Musical“) but here’s the official synopsis:

Barackula is a short political horror rock musical about young Barack Obama having to stave off a secret society of vampires at Harvard when he was inducted into presidency at the Harvard Law Review in 1990. Obama (Justin Sherman) finds that he must convince the vampire society that opposing political philosophies can coexist or else the society may transform Obama to the dark side. Reminiscent to Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and a slight infusion of Jesus Christ Superstar, this short film offers two original musical numbers, “Running” and “This Is Our Time,” which, lyrically, are allegorical to Obama’s current campaign and speeches. The film solely depicts Obama’s strengths, merits and genuineness while being quietly respectful towards the other presidential candidates.

Since I’m a fan of rock operas, vampires, and Barack Obama, the very existence of this video is sort of a win-win… um, -win situation.

You can watch the film in its entirety in awesome hi-def at its official website or if you’re too lazy to click a link, you can watch the craptackula YouTube version after the jump (which still involves clicking a link, I guess).

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‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’ poster is 95% badass.

We haven’t heard much about Rob Zombie’s Tyrannosaurus Rex (I keep forgetting how to spell that; 11-year-old me would be ashamed) in a while, but when Zombie released the awesome promo poster on his MySpace a couple of days ago, everyone started talking about the movie again. And nobody really knows anything about the movie (except, I assume, Zombie).

Zombie’s been keeping very hush-hush on this one. Probably because he was very open about his involvement with Halloween and, well, everyone hated it. But maybe it’s just because nothing’s really happened with the movie yet. But that don’t stop us internet nerds from speculating!

From QuietEarth:

[I]t’s about a wrestler named Tyrannosaurus Rex who is on the run from a biker gang from hell. The idea for the film is loosely based on the comic book Zombie did with Steve Niles (30 Days of Night) entitled THE NAIL.” Here’s the synopsis for the comic Hunted in one of the most desolate regions of America, preyed upon by an evil that does not sleep, Rex Hauser is The Nail – and it’s time he took a stand. A semi-pro wrestler, Hauser has been touring the country performing at small-time arenas until the fateful night he and his family run afoul of a bloodthirsty gang of Satanic bikers stalking the North Dakota Badlands. Now he’s a lone man fighting for the survival of his loved ones in a no-holds-barred standoff against the forces of Hell itself! The Nail is a relentless, unflinching portrait of the heart of darkness, and what one man will sacrifice to hold it at bay.

That sounds pretty badass, so I hope it’s true. BUT IS IT?!

Here’s Steve Niles himself on the matter (via Bloody-Disgusting):

“I’ve been getting a lot of calls and mail about Rob Zombie’s new project, Tyrannosaurus Rex,” NIles writes on his blog. “People seem to be under the impression that Rob is doing The Nail and cutting me out. This is not true. Not only is T-Rex a different story, but also Rob is 100% owner of The Nail and is welcome to cherry pick anything he wants. It’s his concept. I was just along for the ride.”

So it’s not The Nail but it might be The Nail? I dunno. I’ll still do some movie nerd speulatin’ of my own and go ahead and cast those three peoples on the poster! Ready?!


I’m really just sort of pulling these out of left field, ya know?  Especially that chick on the right.

Final Girl Film Club: Tobe Hooper’s ‘Lifeforce’.

Lifeforce (1985)

What the hell was that?

Okay, I’ve got to admit it. Before Lifeforce was chosen as the latest (and my first) entry in the Final Girl Film Club, I really didn’t know anything about it. I mean, yeah, I’d heard it mentioned in passing, but I pretty much thought that it was considered just another of Tobe Hooper’s failed directorial efforts (read: Everything that’s not Leatherface- or Spielberg-related). Oh, but it’s so much more! We’ve got boobies, space travel, giant bat creatures, boobies, zombies, Patrick Stewart, space vampires, and boobies! Really, what more could you ask for in a movie?

Oh. A coherent plot? Well, erm…

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Trailer for Pakistani horror flick ‘Hell’s Ground’

I just read about this flick yesterday in the latest issue of Rue Morgue Magazine and lo and behold, today I find the trailer in my Google Reader (naturally, at the Rue Morgue blog, Abattoir). This, apparently, is like the first gore movie to come out of our friends in Pakistan.

The movie is being screened at The Bloor tonight at 9:30. Unfortunately, The Bloor is in Canada. It’s times like this that I wish I was a Canuck. And also when I can’t go to the doctor to treat a massive head wound brought on by zombie attacks because I don’t have health insurance (Medicare, of course, doesn’t cover zombie attacks). Thanks, America!

Luckily, it’s going to be released on DVD next week.

Pakistan s first splatter flick in the tradition of Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre delivers spine-tingling thrills when an attractive group of teens pile into a van that runs out of gas in the middle of a dark mysterious forest. Their ghoulish nightmare begins when rotting fresh-eating zombies and a decapitated head-toting screaming banshee-like hitchhiker begin to terrorize them at every turn. But when a mysterious figure dressed in a blood-drenched burqa appears sporting a medieval weapon dripping in gore even the teens prayers won t save them from a night of savage demented horror.

Good looking teens run out of gas in the middle of nowhere? I’d make a crack about how unoriginal that sounds, but the synopsis saved itself with “blood-drenched burqa.” I’m all in.