Ladies and gents, witness Chainsaw Maid by Takena.

[via B-D]

Ever heard of The Editing Room?  No?  Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter.  Which burns calories.  So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough.  Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side.  Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.

For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws.  Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.

So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening.  Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.

Here’s how things begin:

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – PARK

People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.

BORING CHARACTER 1

That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.

BORING CHARACTER 2

Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …

BORING CHARACTER 1

Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!

They both KILL THEMSELVES.

EVERYONE ELSE

An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!

EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.

INT. PHILADELPHIA – CLASSROOM

MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.

You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.

Thanks to Tha Deej (once again) for pointing out this wonderful little zombie short film, I Love Sarah Jane. I can’t even find anything witty/funny to say about this (though the same could be argued about everything I write). It’s just… really, really good. Here’s the official synopsis:

Jimbo is 13. All he can think about is one girl, Sarah Jane. And no matter what stands in his way – bullies, violence, chaos, zombies – nothing is going to stop him from finding a way into her world.

Although I think I like DJ’s take on it better:

Imagine Harmony Korine’s “Gummo” set inside the world of George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” with a dash of your first schoolyard crush sprinkled on top. In a nutshell, that’s “I Love Sarah Jane”.

I really wish I’d found this in time to share it on Friday the 13th.  It seems fitting.

This video, really, is the reason YouTube was invented.

I made it through the entire day yesterday without posting a picture of Jason Voorhees on the blog. You’re welcome.

Reading Arbogast on Film, I learned of The Moon is a Dead World’s Vampire Blog-A-Thon.  And since Zombie vs. Shark is a relatively new blog, I figured the best way to get the ZvS name out there would be to participate is some of these more well-known horror bloggers’ blog-a-thons.

So while researching vampire films, trying to come up with something a little out-of-the-ordinary, I did a simple search of “Vampire Films” on Wikipedia.  And in reading the “history” section of the article, I came upon this information:

The earliest cinematic vampires in such films as The Vampire (1913), directed by Robert G. Vignola, were in reality ‘vamps’. These femme fatales derive from a poem called “The Vampire” (1897) by Rudyard Kipling inspired, in turn, by a painting of a female vampire by Philip Burne-Jones (also 1897).

That painting you can see at the top left-hand corner of this post, and reading this inspired me to hunt down the Kipling poem that was mentioned (and I do love that the guy responsible for The Jungle Book wrote about vampires as well) which you can find below.

This doesn’t count as my official entry into the Blood-Sucking-Blog-A-Thon, of course, since this is more copying-and-pasting than anything, but reading over that Wiki entry did give me a couple of ideas.  And while I did watch a movie yesterday, Black Sunday, that hinted at vampirism, I think it kind of abandoned the concept at about 2 minutes into the movie, so I’ll have to do something else (and don’t worry, I’ve got something in mind).

A fool there was and he made his prayer
(Even as you or I!)
To a rag and a bone and a hank of hair,
(We called her the woman who did not care),
But the fool he called her his lady fair–
(Even as you or I!)

Oh, the years we waste and the tears we waste,
And the work of our head and hand
Belong to the woman who did not know
(And now we know that she never could know)
And did not understand!

A fool there was and his goods he spent,
(Even as you or I!)
Honour and faith and a sure intent
(And it wasn’t the least what the lady meant),
But a fool must follow his natural bent
(Even as you or I!)

Oh, the toil we lost and the spoil we lost
And the excellent things we planned
Belong to the woman who didn’t know why
(And now we know that she never knew why)
And did not understand!

The fool was stripped to his foolish hide,
(Even as you or I!)
Which she might have seen when she threw him aside–
(But it isn’t on record the lady tried)
So some of him lived but the most of him died–
(Even as you or I!)

“And it isn’t the shame and it isn’t the blame
That stings like a white-hot brand–
It’s coming to know that she never knew why
(Seeing, at last, she could never know why)
And never could understand!’”