Ever heard of The Editing Room? No? Then you’re missing out on lots of laughter. Which burns calories. So you can’t complain about being a fatty if you’re not laughing enough. Or if you order two racks of ribs with a Diet Coke on the side. Seriously, man, you’re not fooling anyone.
For the unaware, The Editing Room is a website run by Rod Hilton (no relation to porn star Paris) where he writes abridged screenplays for the latest Hollywood atrocities and points out all of their flaws. Don’t worry: He’s much funnier than I am.
So here I am to direct you to The Editing Room’s latest masterpiece, The Happening. Hopefully you’ll shed some poundage in the process.
Here’s how things begin:
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – PARK
People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.
BORING CHARACTER 1
That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.
BORING CHARACTER 2
Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean …
BORING CHARACTER 1
Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!
They both KILL THEMSELVES.
EVERYONE ELSE
An M. Night Shyamalan movie! Our careers will be ruined!
EVERYONE ELSE kills themselves as well.
INT. PHILADELPHIA – CLASSROOM
MARK WAHLBERG teaches SCIENCE to a classroom full of middle school students. It’s exactly as believable as it sounds.
You can read the rest of it at Cracked.com, where Rod filled in as a guest columist.
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